You know, I get that life isn't like the movies. It's not like where a decent person gets what they deserve, which are decent things. Notice I don't say decent people should get the moon and stars. A nice view of them, perhaps. Even the illusion of hope that one day you will get them. Is it too much to ask?
Now, I'm sure most would say "Oh, Lora. You're lucky. Some would kill to have what you have." Like I don't get that. I'm not saying I'm ungrateful for what I have. I don't understand what's so terrible about wanting more? I don't want the moon and stars, for there are many other people far more deserving than I am of them. I would like to look at them from time to time though.
Honesty seems to be such a rare trait anymore. I get why. It's a control thing. A guy comes across a girl, sees that she's not really whole, but trying her best to be. He sees that she craves a man's attention, his approval, his appreciation. Yes, that's pathetic. But it's the ugly truth. Most of the time, the ugly truth is all there is. Some would say these are the rantings of a bitter woman who has let a few people distort her way of looking at things. Maybe. Maybe I'm jaded, cynical, bitter. Maybe I've let things get the better of my mind because that's the easy way. Or maybe I realize that I'm weak and I have to protect myself.That I trust too easily, that I assume others can't possibly be out to intentionally hurt people the way they do.
I get that I'm not what men desire. Not what they dream of. I'm what they settle for when they don't get their moon and stars. I'm somewhere under that good view of the moon and stars that they mention. I've had people tell me"Well, if he doesn't appreciate all of you, then he doesn't deserve any of you" which is a sweet sentiment. Ask how many single women out there tell themselves that every single day. Some women can be single. They honestly do not need a man in their lives. I'd give anything to be one of them. Truly. But I need acceptance. I need attention. I need appreciation. I'm human. I make no apologies for it. That's me, and I've embraced it. You can't change who you are at your core no matter what you do. You'll go crazy or die trying.
For that reason, I have no qualms from walking away from anyone anymore. No matter how wrong I may be. I make the decision and I own it. I have to look out for myself because I can't expect or hope anyone else to because its MY job to. Mine and mine alone, at the end of the day. Over my family's, friends', etc. I know I do have people in my life that truly care, and believe me, I'd walk through fire for them, but at the end of the day, we're all responsible for ourselves.
I can't stand to be bullshitted. It's SUCH a waste of time. For everyone involved. But I understand why. It's a power trip. It's control. It's to fulfill a desire to be desired. It's to fill some empty void in one's life, to see what they can do with someone's when they're so inadequate at their own life. This is the part that blows my mind though. The best of people can be that evil, and the worst of people sometimes aren't. Sometimes a person that is fully aware of how fucked up they are will have your best interest at heart. They'll tell you time and time again of how better off YOU are if you keep feelings at bay. Those are the people you keep. The ones that no matter how fucked up they are, they keep your feelings and your heart and your mind first. The evil people, the TRULY evil ones, are the ones that pretend to be normal. They pretend to have your best interest at heart. They act like they care, tell you what they know you want to hear. They take you almost to the brink, then drop you when the moment requires actual action. That's sinister. The ones that can take off the mask, and show you who they really are, they're heroes. It takes a huge risk to put so much trust in someone to show yourself to them with hopes that they don't exploit it. I've had someone do that with me very recently, and I'm so honored by it. I truly am. I only wish there were more like him in the world and less like the one who only pretended to give a shit.
